Are the reports of the beauty of heaven described in Near Death Experiences (NDEs) true or just the dying brain tossing out euphoric chemicals to fool us into thinking that death is the gateway to a fabulous afterlife? Is it true that death really is the beginning of a wonderful adventure with brighter colors and more beautiful music than that found on the earth? I’ve been asking myself these questions in earnest for the past few months since I have a disease that is taking me out of the game of life for good.
Since we only have NDEs and nobody who stayed dead comes back and gives us a report, a person approaching the real thing can have some doubts; I know I surely do. Even though I am a practicing medium who has talked to the dead, I am a little bit afraid now that I am looking down the barrel of my own death. Some days, after the sun goes down and it’s dark, I can get really spooked.
I have a theory that death can’t catch me during the day. It can only catch me when I am sleeping and unaware. I sometimes think I can outrun any spirit that comes for me. I know what one of the angels who gather souls looks like. I saw her in a client’s reading. She was wearing a pink, long gown in a very soft material and she had her arms crossed. She was patiently waiting for the man on her pick up list to be unplugged from life support. She wasn’t wearing black and carrying a scythe like grim reapers in fairy tales. She was beautiful. I couldn’t see her face, but I felt like she was the epitome of gentle grace and loving kindness.
So what am I afraid of? My heart is failing. There are times when my blood has gone to my stomach to digest food and my brain drifts for a moment or two. Illogical thoughts can enter my mind when my brain is gasping for a little air. I have read books about NDEs and how wonderful the afterlife to come will be for me, but written words do me no good at times like this.
One night I thought that if I slept on the couch in the living room the “Angel of Death” would not find me and move on; possibly permanently marking me off her clipboard. For a millisecond I really considered this as an option. I know this makes no sense.
I once envied people who passed quickly, like my sister who had a heart attack and was gone in a flash with no warning. But what I have found, on my slower path into death, is an appreciation for the life that I have lived that I never had before; ever. I look back upon the great luck I’ve had to experience all the things that I have – the places I have visited and lived, the people I have had the joy to love and know – and it takes my breath away. I am blessed to have these extra days or months or maybe even a year!! I will take whatever I am given and cherish it in a way that I never did before I received my death sentence.
My husband and I are having a second honeymoon, just enjoying every day that we both wake up and can make jokes and watch DVDs together. I’m enjoying my dog in a way that I never have before. I am softer and more patient with him and try harder to see things from his dog perspective. Remy the dog and I are communicating on a level that is sublime. The dog and I have developed our own crude sign language. How fun is that? I am so lucky to have these extra days to enjoy phone calls from friends and precious time with those I love.
I was dying to tell you about this.